The Hallway

Its the first thing I remembered.  A hallway with closet doors/pantry style lining the sides.  Two bedrooms at the end a bathroom in the middle and another bedroom behind me.

I hated walking that hallway.  I was always dressed in some cute little princess pajama dress or outfit.  I had medium length soft blonde hair, my big blue eyes always felt sullen.  I don't remember every being happy walking down that hallway.

My father would take my hand and lead me to the bedroom where he would tuck me in for the night.  I would imagine the different cupboard doors as magical doors that would lead out of the hallway to far off places.

Places that I could escape to.  In my mind I never made it to the bedroom.  Most of the time the walk down the hall was the beginning of the disassociation I would experience in order to guard my heart and spirit from what was sure to follow.

My eyes would be shut tight so I couldn't see his face.  My jaw clenched tightly as I lay rigid in the bed, terrified, ashamed, disgusted.  He would force his hands between my legs and they were rough.  The hands of a carpenter.  Hands that didn't care or concern themselves with the innocence they were violating.

I would watch from above, hovering over the scene as if free from it entirely.  Floating above in the ceiling and clinging to the warmth that I gravitated toward.  That warmth which I have come to know as God - him allowing me to seek refuge in his arms as the earthly father that had been entrusted with offered his own perverse form of comfort.

I don't know how many times this happened.  I don't remember much between the ages of 2-4 when I feel like this earliest memory is from...my entire life through age 7 is a bit foggy in terms of all the stressful situations I encountered.  Most of the memories I have locked away, until now.   Until now where I am taking that step of desperate courage - to allow myself to relive the horror and process the events of my childhood.

This is where the story starts.  I wish it was all there was to say.  But there is more.

Alone in the Dark

The downward spiral seems inevitable.  I find myself sinking further into a dark and scary place.  I feel unglued.  Unhinged.

The less I fight, the more I feel engulfed by my pain.  By my fear.  How does one tell the story of their own destruction?

I was 2 years old.  I was too young to remember.  But I remember now.  I remember the yelling.  The violence.  I remember being afraid.

I remember my earliest thoughts of not wanting to exist.  I wanted it all to end.  I just couldn't understand the reason I was given life - a life filled with death.

From the moment I could hold my breath I began to hold it.  I began to stop breathing - as if my life would leave me and I'd instantly be transported somewhere else.  Detached from myself - there I was suspended in time and reality.  

In those moments - on the edge of the chasm of emptiness - I'd feel free.  Free to dance.  Free to smile.  Free to exist.

I don't like that place anymore.  Its cold and dark, empty and alone.  I don't like feeling like I have to go there to escape the fear... the fear that grips me when I exhale.

Unfamiliar Place

I'm in an unfamiliar place in my walk with the Lord.  Not really a wavering of faith in any way, but just an uncertain place - a necessary place.  I've been dealing with a lot of issues from experiences I had as a child.

I have a form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - and lately its gone from a once in a while struggle against depression to a more frequent state of fear and panic.  I've never been one to struggle with anxiety at this level.   

That being said, it's actually a good sign of forward progress for me.  For the past 4, almost 5 years I've been very intentional about processing the events of the past that have stood in the way of becoming the woman God created me to be.  Sometimes I don't recognize myself - that can be a good thing and sometimes not so good as well.  

Truth be told, I often feel like I'm running full speed toward an unknown destination, desperately - but without a map.  I find myself lost often - trying to figure out where I've gone wrong - or how to get back to the safety of the right path.  I've realized that in those times that I feel the most lost and the most confused, God is there to remind me He is still with me - that He hasn't lost me.  And I cling to those reminders for dear life, because I tend to doubt that He is still there in the midst of the pain and confusion I'm experiencing.

I have been really feeling led by God to join Him in the valley for a while.  The problem is, I'm somewhat terrified of going there - so I tend to make myself too busy to be obedient.  My excuses are so easily justified - I mean, I have a 2 year old in the thick of the "Terrific" Two's :)  and a husband who is very unavailable while studying for his CPA - which leaves me to handle 90% of the household management - so I'm "too tired, too busy, too weary", etc. to carve out the necessary time for this journey.  

I'm praying that:

• I would have the courage to be obedient during this time, wholeheartedly opening my heart, mind and soul - to follow/seek God while encountering some of the darker parts of my soul so He can do His healing work.
• My husband and daughter would be miraculously understanding, patient and gentle with me, allowing for me to not be overwhelmed by their needs, and the daily maintenance of our life.

What does this valley look like for me?  I'll be spending a lot of my evening time and weekend time - meditating on God's word, processing the events of the past (a lot of writing and journaling), and praying. 

Shake It Out Florence + The Machine

Job 12:22

Gill's Exposition of the Entire Bible

He discovereth deep things out of darkness,.... 

The deep things of God, his own deep things which lie in his heart, wrapped up in darkness impenetrable to creatures, and which could never be known unless he had discovered them; such as the thoughts of his heart, which are very deep, Psalm 92:5; 

the deep things of God, which the Spirit of God only knows, searches, and reveals, 1 Corinthians 2:10; 

even his thoughts of peace, and good things for his people, which are many and precious, are known to himself, and made known to them, or otherwise must have remained in darkness, and out of their reach, being as high as the heavens are from the earth; the decrees and purposes of God, which he hath purposed in himself, are deep things in his own breast, and lie concealed in darkness there, until discovered by the accomplishment of them; 

such as his decrees of election in Christ, redemption by him, and the effectual calling by his grace; all which are revealed and made known by the execution of them: the love of God to his people, which lay hid in his heart from everlasting; this is discovered by the gift and mission of his Son; in the regeneration and quickening of his people, and of which he makes still larger discoveries to them in the course of their lives: 

likewise the mysteries of the Gospel, unknown to natural men, even the wise and prudent, only known to such to whom it is given to know them, to whom they are revealed by the Father of Christ, and by the Spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of the mystery of God, and of the Father, and of Christ; respecting the persons in the Godhead, the grace of each person, the incarnation of Christ, the union of the two natures in him, redemption and justification by him, regeneration by the Spirit of God, union to Christ, and communion with him, and conformity to him in soul and body, now and hereafter: 

likewise the secrets of his providence, in which there is a great depth of his wisdom and knowledge, and is in great obscurity; his path is in the great waters, and his footsteps are not known; his judgments are unsearchable, and his ways past finding out, but before long they will be made manifest, and lie open to view. 

There are also the deep things of others, which he discovers, as the depth of sin in the deceitful heart of man, which none knows as himself; and which lie hid there until they are discovered in the light of the divine Spirit, who convinces of them, enlightens the understanding to behold those swarms of lusts and corruptions it never discerned before; and then a man comes to see and know the plague of his own heart, he was before a stranger to; also the depths of Satan, his deep laid schemes, his wiles and stratagems, to draw into sin, and so to ruin; these are unknown to natural men, but saints are made acquainted with them, so that they are not altogether ignorant of his devices, Revelation 2:24; 

likewise the secret plots, counsels, and combinations of wicked men, which they lay deep, and seek to hide from the Lord, being formed in the dark; but he sees and knows them, discovers and confounds them: to which may be added all the wicked actions of men done in the dark, but cannot be hid from God, with whom the darkness and the light are both alike; and who, sooner or later, brings them to light, even the hidden things of darkness, and makes manifest the counsels of the heart, as he will do more especially at the day of judgment, to which every secret thing will be brought:

and bringeth but to light the shadow of death; not only life and immortality, as by the Gospel, but death, and the shadow of it, even deadly darkness, the grossest of darkness; such who are darkness itself he makes light, and out of the darkness in them commands light to shine, as in the first creation; to them that sit in darkness, and in the shadow of death, he causes a great light to arise, the light of the Gospel, and the light of grace, yea, Christ himself, the light of the world; he calls and brings them out of it into marvellous light, out of the dark dungeon and prison of sin and unbelief, to the enjoyment of spiritual light and life here, and to everlasting light and glory hereafter.

The Vale of Death-Shade

I've reached a point in my life, in my journey with the Lord that He has asked me to face a certain darkness, unlike anything I have ever faced before.  He has put before me the task of walking through the darkest parts of my soul, while setting aside my need and overwhelming desire to remain in the light.  This sojourn will be one that will change my life forever.

For one, He wants me to take this journey with him alone.  I'm not even sure of all the places we'll be going, of the depths he will take me.  I know that every part of my flesh - my mind, will and emotions are terrified.  My soul churns violently - repulsed by the idea of going down this path, yet my spirit and his spirit in me keep putting one foot in front of the other.

And so I've finally arrived at the beginning of my journey in the Vale of Death-Shade.  I chose this name, because it references the Valley of the Shadow of Death.  There is so much more to be said of this title, because this is a journey into the darkness of a soul shattered by immeasurable pain and trauma, but it is also a story of redemption and God's ability to bring forth light from the darkest of places.

I know that I will never be able to fulfill my destiny and purpose without facing this obstacle.  Without processing every last thing that comes forward as a result of this dark night of my soul.  And yet, a certain hope rises in me knowing that this is me submitting to God's will in my life, this is me setting time aside to let God walk me through the most intimate parts of my soul - washing me in the light of his glory.

I will be writing this from my heart - from all the honesty that I can muster.  It is going to hurt, but it will be worth it.  It is going to be scary  - but the one who has called me will also equip.

Father God, I'm here.  I submit myself to you and all that you are wanting to do.  I'm not ready for this journey - mentally, emotionally, I feel terrified, but still I give these anxious cares to you and put my trust in you.  I'm ready to head into this valley with you by my side.  I'm ready for the darkness to be exposed once and for all.  I'm ready to see what you teach me - about you - I believe you can do miraculous things - that you want to heal places that have been hidden - that this is a beginning of a life filled with joy - where light will burst forth from the Vale of Death-shade before me.  Holy Spirit, give me courage as I allow you to bring to the light every dark thing within me.  I will wait for you.  I will trust in you.  I will follow you.  I love you.  Amen.